Why..
Why is that every night of mine have to end up with teary eyes. Ending up crying alone, feeling alone... I totally have no idea how to even feel the correct way. Or is there a correct way to begin with? Yes. I'm writing this with extra emotions and it's driving me crazy. I cant sleep well at night, and not looking forward to waking up every morning with the only mood to say "morning..." and thats it. Wth is wrong?

I ended the last one because communication, but the same problem again and now is I dont know how to communicate with you. I always feel I'm at the wrong frequency with you. I totally can't openly open up to you. Each and everytime I need to whatsapp and whatsapp at weird timing and I feel the more I do that, the more you gonna feel irritated by me. The feeling of one day you gonna leave me is building up even more.

You used to tell me you wish to be by my sife whenever I cried, but how you wanted me to say? "I'm crying, please come?" You cant feel it, I cant say it. People say starting of the relationship is always sweet and honey, but mine is just ended up with tears and saddness... Seeing couples meeting up so much, I miss you so dearly. But I always always thrown back with "we meet up too much this week". Ain't space slowly given as time goes by? Ain't sweethearts suppose to be the sweetest among the phrase in relationship? Why is it that from the start this relationship is so mature to begin with?  You said you need space, I assume you were also tired from your work. I tried travelling all the way down, cause I miss you so. After a few fights ( how is there even fights in the first few months?!), I don't dare to bring it up anymore.. Dont dare to suggest going to meet you, dont dare to say can I go over and stay. I'm just always waiting for your response say " okay, tomorrow meet dinner", "okay, saturday stay over?" No. I was never not happy when you say you want meet up cause I'm more than excited to want to meet up with you. But somewhere deep inside my heart, I feel a little sad that only when you said so then I can meet.

I swear there is always happy moments that I wish could stay like that forever, where I am blessed to meet you. I always feel ao much guilt and blame myself when you told me you put so much effort to plan something and i always ended up not happy. No... please dont misread my intention of my "hai". ALL of the time i ended up say is because my days just ended so fast with you, and it's no nothing to do with the wrong plan or so. I know I know. Quality time is what it counts. Cant I feel sad instead of happy to express it? I'm happy that we met and have great time together but I'm sad because you leaving again and maybe is the sad that accidentally overwhelm the happiness? No matter how sad I ended up crying,  I always scared that you will leave. You always try to assure me everything is fine, and I know you meant it. But maybe now, it's more than the words that I need.

But how?! I'm also worried about both situation. You trying to meet me but ended up I'm feeling guilty that you will be too tired after work and etc. I'm lousy at keeping my thoughts in and lousy at trying to maintain my face in a happy mode when I talk to you.

My love is the childish kind. Maybe only when time pass by, it will turn to a mature and understanding kind. But with you, I have to skip the front phrase and straight to the phrase that we thought we have been together for years. I cant cope at all. You said if both of us love each other so much, does the different matter? It does. Which is also why I doesn't want it to separate us and we both tried to cover up the gaps by trying our best in this relationship.

I wish I could go back to the girl you once knew, the cheerful kind, the understanding kind, the generous kind. Because it suits you way better then my current state.

Your 2 years in army,  3 years in hostel,  1 year overseas. What am I gonna do for this 6 years. Are we not meant to be together 😢😭

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